Haibane Parody - Episode I - Falling, Crashing, Yelling

Episode I: Falling, Crashing, Yelling



(obscure splashing noises)

Rakka: Check it out, I'm falling in my dreams. Like that never happens to anyone.

Crow: Caw, Caw, etc...

Rakka: Me too, I'm not afraid, but I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm talking to myself so much. Weird, huh?

(Crow moves to Rakka's chest)

Rakka: Woah, I just thought: If someone was looking at me falling, and with this Crow on my upper torso, it totally looks like I've got black wings. How ironic. I wonder if that means anything...

(Crow, astonished that Rakka is falling and being so existential, flees)

Rakka: Um, thanks anyway. So, I wonder if there are any hot guys in this dream.

(Rakka sees clouds)

Rakka: So, I'm falling over a city? It looks pretty, but I'm guessing this is getting too weird for viewers. Let's move on, shall we?



(Scene, Not-an-angel-girl is walking with a cigarette in her mouth and boxes in her hand. Not boxes of cigarettes. We think. It would be much more humorous if the cigarettes were in her hand and boxes were in her mouth, but I digress)

Reki: Hmm, I'm just going to back up a step or two and look in this room...Good Grief! I have got to start dusting for spiders a lot sooner next year. Oh, wait!

(Reki stares for a few seconds)

Reki: Oops! I just dropped my cigarette. When something is involuntarily dropped in this series, that means it's big.

(Reki puts out the cigarette and runs)

Reki: This is big!

ANNOYING ANIME FANS: Don't you mean, "This is bad?" Dubs suck!

Reki: Guys, don’t start with me.



(After a few quaint scenes of, well, quaintness and a sign threatening impending doom to anyone who interrupts the cocoon room.)

(Quaint string section continues)

Hikari: Hi, I'm Hikari. This opening scene with me and Kana will help establish my cute, sweet nature. It will contrast with Kana's somewhat rough, sassy demeanor. That's why it's such an ironic and providential thing that we arrive on the scene right now at this point, when the plot is getting to be a bit too odd for some people.

Kana: Grumble, Grumble.



(Scene: Reki is bogged down with little children with wings and a halo. But they aren't angels. Got that? Good. We proceed.)

Reki: Sorry, no kids allowed.

Unexplained Kids: Why not?

Reki: Those were the rules when I was your age. Well, not really, but they would have been if....

Kana: Bugger off, midgets!!

Reki: So, does everyone want to dance around what's going to happen here?

Hikari: Absolutely! Some big is going to happen. It's part of our rituals. Oh, did I mention we're "Habane"? Anyway, that's us.

Reki: Can anyone take time off of work?
Kana: Of course. It's not like it necessary for us anyway. I've been studying Calvin and Luther and I....

Reki: Just a "yes" would suffice.



(Scene: Cocoon room. Reki, Hikari, Kana, Two unknown Habane are inside a quaint, otherwise abandoned, room. Oh, there's a huge cocoon as well.)

Kuu: It's huge! I'm gonna flap my little wings right now and throw some foreshadowing at the viewers!

Hikari: Expositional question time: So this thing was pretty small at first, right?

Kana: Yup. Pretty little. But this is pretty big so NO ONE would EVER miss something like this.

Nemu: We should clean in here.

Kuu: I'm just laughing and excited. I'm fairly innocent and pure, so I hope to endear myself to the audience and the newcomer pretty quick.

Hikari: With this room so dirty and secluded, what if no one discovered this thing in time?

Reki: **COUGHHACK** Well, that'd **COUGH, COUGH** be pretty **HACK** traumatic and would probably set into motion a series of events that would cause the person **COUGHHACK** to deteriorate emotionally over seven years. But that's just my theory. Sorry, smoker's cough.

Kuu: My turn, we were all born like this?

Reki: Yup, all of the Haibawneh are born like this. Just like you and I, Kuu.

INTELLECTUAL ANIME FANS: So, just like Reki and Kuu, but no one else? What does that mean....

Reki: Guys, if you get caught up on that little factoid, this series is going to send you to the funny farm. Relax a little.

Unexplained Kids: It's huge!

Reki: Get lost, kids!

Nemu: Sweet irony: Reki's more excited than those kids, but she's obviously concealing it. I wonder how she got so good at that...

Kuu: I hope I get a little sister.

Kana: You won't. At least not literally.



(Scene: Inside the cocoon. Rakka awakes and attempts to breathe liquid.)

Rakka: Hmm..I can breathe in water. Now, I'm hearing voices. That's the last time I mix Cold Medicines.



(Scene: Outside the cocoon. A few minutes later)

Hikari: That was quick! It's all clean now!

Kana: I love cutaway scenes.

Kuu: I'm so excited and full of life!

Nemu: Should we take turns watching?

Rakka: Nah, I feel like coming out in a rather humorous way.

All (save Rakka): Huh..oh, uh, ahh!!

(Water comes out the door. Hilarity ensues.)



(Scene: Rakka's in bed in a room by herself)

CREEPY ANIME FANS: HEY! If she's just born, why is she wearing a sheet? Those fascist American censors don't let pure art into....(truncated from five pages of ranting)

Rakka: Hmm, strange bed, weird dream, and I have no idea where I am. If this weren't such a sweet show, I'd joke about this being just like every morning at UW-Stout, but I'll refrain.

Reki: Hey there, we're back.

Hikari, Nemu, Kuu, Kana: How do you feel? Do you think we're asking too many questions? Are you okay? Can we get you anything? Why a duck?

Reki: Okay, time to assert my authority. I'm going to try to explain everything from beginning is it okay if I smoke?

Rakka: Shouldn't that be two separate sentences?

Reki: Oops. Sorry...Of course, I meant it that way. I don't know what I was thinking. Think nothing of it. Really.

(Reki takes an oddly long puff)

Reki: So, about that dream....

Rakka: Dream?

Reki: Sorry, was it scary? NOT that this means ANYTHING, mind you.

Rakka: Nah, I just dreamt of falling. There were also horses singing "Take Me to St. Louis," but I don't know if that's as significant.

Reki: I don't think so, but falling is pretty cool and obscure. Let's go on that.

Hikari: Each of us Haibane are named by our dreams. Hikari means light.

INTELLECTUAL ANIME FANS: mutter, ponder, mutter.

Kana: My name means river-fish. At first it was "Sakekuse," but I protested.

Kuu: I'm air.

INTELLECTUAL: Hmmm, ponder, interesting, ponder.

Reki: Remember anything else?

Rakka: Nope, but it'd sure make for an interesting episode if I suddenly remembered in the future.

Reki: Me too. Do you know another name for falling?

Kana: Gerald Ford!

Hikari: Jerry Lewis!

Kuu: Chevy Chase!

Reki: Guys, we're going to choose something Japanese. It's cool in an ominous sort of way. Let's choose "Rakka."

Rakka: Don't I get a choice in this?

Reki: Nope, no one remembers who they were before they went into the cocoon. It adds mystery.

Rakka: Oh. Fair enough.

Hikari: Here's a halo for you. May it guide you, whatever that means.

Rakka: ...and also be with you.

Rakka: It won't stay on top of my head!

Reki: No problem! Along with being the new person and full of fear, we decided a huge metal band around your head would add to the humiliation.

Kana: Oh well, back to work.

Hikari: See you after your wings grow in. We'll hear you when they come in.

Nemu: Reki, since you're the one with guilt and redemption issues, you wanna help her?

Reki: Of course. Any questions so far, Rakka?

Rakka: Where am I? What's Haibane? That is how it's said, right?

Reki: The pronunciation varies wildly, even among us.

Rakka: But what is Haibane?

Reki: You think I'm answering that after only 20 minutes? Ha! I'll just misdirect you by flapping my wings.

Rakka: Cool! Are they real?

Reki: Your about to find out.

Rakka: Ow! My back is bothering me.

Reki: Your wings are coming in. It’s as if I planned it ahead to help you though this to boost my own diminished ego and self-worth.

Rakka: Why am I here?

Reki: Again, there’s no way I’m telling you so much so soon. Just wait for your wings to come out.

Rakka: Woah, Nelly!

Reki: Here, bite on my thumb. It’ll further endure you to me!

Rakka: How’s my back look?

Reki: You ever seen Ravioli in a can?

Rakka: Oh, thanks **hurl**

Reki: This is it: prepare for a bunch of metaphors thrown into one!

(Wings come out, and it’s pretty gross. But like childbirth, puberty, and urine tests, the painful part is quickly over.)

Rakka: (Emmy-worthy scream)

(Time passes. Rakka passes out. Reki passes the time by combing out her wings)

Rakka: My back aches, my arms ache, and my entire body is sore. I’ve never been hit by a train, but I’m guessing this is how it feels.

Reki: You say something?

Rakka: Sorry, I was just doing an aside. I didn’t think anyone was supposed to hear those.

Reki: That’s fine, but we’ll be the only ones who really do it. After you feel better, have a comb for your hair.

Rakka: Reki! My hair makes funny noises when I comb it!

Reki: Look, we had to bring a little bit of levity into the end of this episode. It was getting pretty intense for awhile.

Rakka: Is my hair going to be like this forever?

Reki: It’s fine.

ANNOYING FANS: Hey! She said “Probably!” This translation is terrible, and the English actors are the worst…

Reki: Don’t make me come over there, kids. Hey, Rakka, move just a little to the left.

Rakka: Right here?

Reki: Yeah, I can get the sun to shine down on you in just the right place to end the show. Welcome to Old Home. I’ll explain it when I have more time.

Rakka: Okay, anything else I need to do?

Reki: One more thing for the closing credits: We’ve got a huge record player you need to go sit on. Quick – set it to 45RPM and hunch down. I’ve got some Dramamine somewhere….